boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pillager preface: sorry i keep writing intensly in here, things have been intense out here. "can't i just be the way that i was going to be in your eyes" it is hard not to idealize things. i get that. usually in relationships i idealize them for a few days or dates or whatever, maybe a week at most. and then something happens, snap, it's over. usually it is because the other person shows signs of wanting me. a lot. expecting things. this is something a narcissist might do. i guess. so i've been in the wrong or out of my mind or whatever. i never wanted to behave that way and i was trying to get over it. anyway. now i just feel like roles have been reversed, i've been idealized by someone else. but it lasted longer than i'm used to. 4 months or so. and i also kept idealizing the hell out of it; i was happy to. but then snap, i expected something, snap it's over. i was not in control at all this time. and it's maybe not so unfortunate that we are over when i look at where things ended up. but i want him to be what he was going to be when i idealized this; he was a saint, sympathetic, compassionate, understanding, etc. now, instead, i am left with nothing. but. complete abandonment. i call it "asshole." i don't want him to be that though. appeal to him or let it go? i only called his abuse "childish" but i maybe should have called it "UNACCEPTABLE AND HEARTLESS." but he told me not to talk to him. so i guess i will leave it alone and hope that i stop caring that i was so fucked over. 12:52 a.m. - 2006-06-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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