boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't really care for him but something possesses me. This same playa. Scott. I had to let him go. I have to get my system to let it go. But there's an energetic system, a force, just grabbing for the last straw. That doesn't care that if I can grasp it, it will only make me bleed. And bleed. And bleed some more. I had a dream that I was shown how a man should treat me. This example popped up where I had a new boyfriend who called to ask me if I wanted a burger and fries. I laughed a little, "I can't eat that." He told me sometimes he's got to treat himself. And he thought maybe I would want that, too. Today I get a text from my new lover. [The one who held me as I cried about the dream I had about representing how frustrating it is to feel rejected from so much that you love. How I don't really reject Christianity, but it rejects me. How Scott was Christian, and so he shows up in the dream, and I just try so hard to get him to love me. I'm in these dark buildings filled with Mormons having a great time together and I feel so at home but so separate. All this didn't really represent a sense of belonging but a familiarity and a frustration.] My lover says, "I'm at Costco, let me know a few things you like to eat and I'll pick them up." I say gluten free crackers. He says, "Are wheat thins GF? They are whole wheat." So this is romance right now. Appreciating clueless, but sweet gestures. Everything is better than Scott. [That last sentence. I wrote it, and then I deleted it. Then I wrote it again, because I miss the time when I could be hateful toward those who hurt me. Brendon summoned an impenetrable glacier for several years. Enough time to get my system to realize I don't actually care for him at all.] I'm going to put a glacier up. Almost anything is better than Scott. Everything is better than Scott. For me right now. Everything is better. 4:42 p.m. - 2015-04-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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