boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- holy rant to hell and back it seems like every moment i change my mind about him. i wonder if this is because he is not here. and i wonder if i will still do this when he IS here. i feel like when he is here i will probably clam up, in fear. but i am not sure, since this might just be the way i feel for now. how will it be next week? will i dress a little better, make sure i'm feeling like my healthy, independent self? the self that thought he was good for me, that i loved his flaws and that they were why we worked together in the first place? but i never got rid of my self that felt afraid of his strength, his critism, how articulate he was. things i loved but that scared me to death. i wanted to love myself just as much but it was too hard when i really felt he was much better than me. and so i tell myself there is no way it could ever be healthy with all this fear. and then i tell myself there is no way i will be able to come back down from the pedestool where this relationship sat. and i think of all the very serious things he said to me; how risky is romantic, like jumping off a clif together. how he does not feel obligated to avoid being with someone else but how that is not what he wanted. if he is not obligated to avoid it, then i should not worry about it either way. it is not my business. but the timing!! so bad and wrong. he planned to move here, make it work. everything seemed like a good idea. i was fine, scared but fine, and then all of a sudden this deteriorated, all the way, crashed down. i would talk it out, sometimes i'd love to scream about it, but i swore to myself to let things go. to not fight my way into a relationship, ever ever. we talked already anyway. and because i am so confused and some things are not my business, i feel i might have nothing to say that i can stand behind. it's already been said. "you provoked me to do these things for you, then you were annoyed with me." and in response he agrees it is unfair to me, that he is unstable. so i guess this means let go, be friends. don't drive him crazy with more talk. sometimes we make rules for ourselves based on past experiences. i think of the rules he follows and i think they are bullshit, because i feel they were hardly considered according to the context. but i am afraid to break my rules, too. i feel like he would not want me to, so i feel justified in not breaking them. but i am still not sure. i guess i don't know if i want him to break his rules. i don't know i don't know. i told him i couldn't be with him anymore, anyway. i guess it holds true but i keep hoping that a change in situation will solve everything. but i'd have to be very brave to ever try again. not that i think i might have the chance to. but i guess it's possible. just when i thought i had been through the worst, and seen relationships deteriorate in all the worst ways, here's another. it's not soo bad, because i understand him on many levels, and he has said he would not abandon me as a friend. so we love each other still. that's great. but i feel like a tangled mess of tense muscles, anxiety ridden. it'd be better if i did not know i'd see him soon and want so badly to not care that much. maybe i just need to be less anxious as a person. this was so long. 2:53 p.m. - 2006-06-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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