boysordeath's Diaryland Diary

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on marriage

I recently read early Susan Sontag's journal. She wrote sporatically, in lists, and short excerpts. Even her passive writing was insightful and beautiful. Sometimes she wrote on subjects, not just what was happening in her life. She was married for a time, and had a son but lived abroad away from them for long amounts of time. When she was away, she didn't miss her family too much.

I don't know why people get married, I don't know the drive. I've always felt socially conditioned to want it. I recognize that companionship is good, and that marriage is important if you want to start a family. I just am at a loss as to what gets people to take the plunge.
The conflict there is that I feel my deepest joy, when I find myself accidentally playing house. A man's hand on my stomach, babysitting with a bf, playing with my friends kids. So I can see how instinct can drive one to marriage. But, I only feel it when I'm in it. Its not something I crave when I'm alone, and most of the time I am alone.

When I listen quietly in my heart, to what I deeply want, marriage is not there. Why?
Is that abnormal? If so, do I not want it because of what I saw in my parents growing up? I'm old enough that I should be able to get over that. Is it because of years of poor choices in men? Or is it that marriage is just not as relevant today as a rite of passage? These days you don't have to married to be an adult, you are not defined so much by your status, and women don't need men to provide for them anymore. Is my lack of need contributing to the peter pan problem? Is a man's definition of himself in part dependent on a woman's need for him?

I was asked once if I moved to New York so I wouldn't have to date, because I am afraid of rejection. I said I feel beautiful in NY (as opposed to in Utah), and I'm able to work constantly there. Which didn't really answer the question. It's possible I live here so I can be single and not feel pressure about it. Its also possible that I'm just afraid of rejection.

I don't know , I just really don't know.

11:50 p.m. - 2011-04-04

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