boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - All it took was a little realignment of what was mine and not mine to feel responsible for. Add in the discovery of more dishonesty, that has been never ending with him, and I had my recipe for escape. I did it. I won't go back, and I think he knows I won't either. And even if he tries, I changed my number, which hopefully if he gets to the point where he's trying to contact me, the changed number will hurt enough to keep him at bay. It is more like a divorce than anything. Even ending in a negotiation of money he's sending me to cover the costs of him being such an asshole. However I'll be surprised if he follows through with it. People can sometimes romanticize bad relationships once they're not starring them in the face...its easy and feels better to just remember the good than to keep reliving all the bad that hurt so much. Luckily there is no good left to relive; that is the plus of trying until its dead. You walk away with nothing but relief that its finally finished, and a satisfaction of knowing there are no "what if's" to consider, ever. The further away I get, the worse it looks, and the more I see how ridiculous that whole thing was. Its too bad I allowed it to consume a year and a half of my life, but I suppose I didn't get out because I wasn't ready yet. I'd like to think that I learned necessary lessons in the whole matter, but I think I just learned what it feels like to be totally emotionally destroyed by someone. I've never left a relationship feeling worse or having a more inaccurate and unhealthy self-concept than now. The worst part is that he's been totally oblivious to this fact, or at least he chooses to be, on occasion he takes mock responsibility by apologizing and then reminding me that all that is in the past so he doesn't have to acknowledge or validate that the damage has already been done and is still in place. Using apologies to replace talking about and working out issues is the most annoying kind of manipulation, because it leaves you feeling guilty for still having hurt feelings from the problems, it gives this false sense that since he apologized I'm supposed to be okay with everything, let it go, and that if I were a good person, and a healthy person, I would just let it go too like he has done. Its sneaky...and it can easily fool you. Good riddance to loaded apologies. 7:28 p.m. - 2008-10-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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