boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- unexpected changes and married soul-mate? Pretty much I should assume that a text from a 32 yr old man that says, "Drrrruuuuuuuuunkkkknkknkkkklklkl!!!:::::" is sabotaging what we had left of a relationship, yeah? The context: I don't drink that much or think that drinking is very cute and he knows this. Also, this is the same guy I wrote about a few entries back, who I was practically ready to marry upon meeting. I still do believe we should go for everything we want, and I guess that is why the relationship is suffering.. I guess. It's just that as I got to know him, I started missing my ex. My ex decided he wanted to marry me; I had to process all that and it took some time to decide that even though I was in heartbreak from missing him, I don't want to be with him. My new relationship of course kind of suffered, but new guy R is a really great guy and has been very patient with me and my shifting emotions. We ended up breaking up, I had a pregnancy scare right after, then I decided I wanted things to work with him. This is because I was so ready to accept the baby and also knew that R was someone I could love and I definitely trust him. But I was honest about my limitations: while wanting things to work, I have to leave room for me to be distant and do my own work, taking things so much slower. It has not been easy doing that. By the time he had come around, a super hot classmate of mine, Ab, came onto me a little. Maybe I fueled it a little, but it happened. This was really derailing, because before this, Ab, as far as I was concerned, was a married, unavailable man that I thought innocently, "It would be nice if R was more like that" about. Ab was also in a falling-apart marriage. He and I decided to go have a sneaky joint after class one night, shortly before R decided he for sure wanted to get back together with me. We drove to Starbucks so that hopefully no one would see us smoking. At Starbucks, I encouraged him to get a cake pop, and he did. We really didn't have much to talk about; we had never hung out outside of class (although our class experiences were intimate bc we were paired up for a therapy project where we processed things together through writing). It was the sexiest, silliest, thing watching him eat that dumb cake pop. Then, after we drove back, he said that his wife and him were thinking about opening up their marriage and having a girlfriend, she is queer and it could be good for their marriage. But she is a jealous person and it could be hard. I said, "Oh, that could be interesting. You wouldn't want to date anyone at school because that would be trouble." He said, "Why, do you want to meet her?" Then somehow the conversation got around to physical attraction between us...I don't even remember anything. Other than, I had just said to R, "I don't even want to be poly right now, I just want you." And just like that, the truth shifted greatly, and my thoughts of wanting Ab, in a very physical way, were extremely vivid and appealing. A week or less of sexual tension went by. Ab said the girlfriend idea was off the table due to a big fight, but he wishes he could just have a fling on the side, at school.. that he is highly physically attracted to me. I said that I am not willing to be that guy. But my thoughts of having sex with him are so intense, and with the way he said he was thinking about me, and with our shared dreams we are working toward in school, I just felt that an affair already sort of happened. Not that I would continue it. I started feeling ashamed. Especially because this is where R comes back in. What timing, just so excited to share a new sense of commitment with me and connect physically again. It was hard to do what I wanted at that point, to have the boundaries that I should. I wanted to reassure him in that way even though I wasn't ready. I have since then really cooled things off. And kind of started talking to him less. This leads me to today, where I get a "drrrrrrrunnkkkLF:ALFL Meanwhile, Ab is going through a divorce. Like for real. We are not talking so much anymore, though. His wife is across the country, near another campus connected to my school, so he may transfer to be near his child, time will tell. My feelings for him are strong but also sort of a blankness since I don't know him so well, outside of writing and sexual attraction. I know in theory, it seems to me like more of a soul-mate. However, grad school is a babe buffet of women for him to choose from (there are not many guys in our program). I'm fine with that, and with him being such a sexual person... I love that.. if he recognizes me in some of the ways that he said he did, like how he knows me from another life (and I'm new agey so I may buy that shit, especially because I feel it, a little, too). I'm still skeptical, but in an ideal world for me at this point, Ab recognizes that I'm for him. He does all his work to get through his divorce, but he tells me that he sees what I see. And even more ideally, he sees me so clearly as the person for him, that he can start to pursue it sooner than later. I realize all this sounds kind of immature, which is why I have not shut down the R relationship completely. In my fantasy that most likely won't come true: I don't really want to go across the country. I do want Ab to be near his son; I know it will be hard for him not to. I want to be here, near my family. I just got here. But, in time, I would go there if I had my soul-mate, really. A soul-mate. I don't really believe there's just one. Maybe it's R... R at least recognizes me very easily, but also, I don't expect Ab to do the same when he is going through so much. I don't want to be the person who wants what they can't have... but I tried shutting down the whole Ab thing and my heart and also my hormones just wouldn't. Also, if there is any such thing as universe-driven fate or whathaveyou, I am shown that my trying to control/shut-down the Ab thing was more annoying than helpful... shortly after, I meet this new good friend who is with the lady of his dreams he pursued right as he was going through his divorce. It gave me perspective, and I got less hard on Ab and took morality and tossed it out the window. I just want to be happy one of these days. But it seems like Ab doesn't want to process right now. Can't blame him because the divorce sounds awful. I haven't expressed all my feelings because I'm working on reflecting the level of involvement people give to me, and I know he is not too concerned with me right now. I guess, maybe if nothing else, this has shown me something. I'm just not sure what. I guess I'm embracing "keeping options open". I don't think it's healthy how much people want decisions near the beginning of a relationship. I did tell R about how feelings came up for Ab, and how we expressed our attraction, and how I wanted Ab so shortly after saying I only wanted R. I told him because he wants real honesty from me. He was very understanding. He is that way with me. For the longest time, though, I just have so many guilty feelings about keeping the door open when my feelings get so mixed. I push and pull to some degree. Maybe let go of some of the guilt. That would be nice. People can make decisions for themselves, I'll make mine. 7:04 p.m. - 2014-01-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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