boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- no, you hit ME up. Today I'm am a happy camper because Ab asked me about my "man" and I got to tell him about how I never really got the courage to commit fully back to R. He cracked up a bit. I also got to tell him that if nothing else, I've figured out that maybe I can find someone else that's a little more for me. This was a mellow convo in the computer lab at school, but we talked about how we both had really wanted to be together back then. He said "You're awesome; I just want you to know that you're awesome and I really like you." I said, "I like you too..." sounding a bit hesitant because I kind of just love him, haha. But in a light-ish way. We saw each other again as I was leaving campus. I swear, we always get bumped toward each other by the universe.. because I would not have had this computer lab convo had my computer not died, and it usually doesn't die at school (9 hour power!). Anyway, as I was driving away he keeps asking "what are you doing now" as if he wanted to hang right then, but I played it cool because I think it's important to play it a little cool, at least. I can tell he likes my independence. He said to hit him up later. And then yelled some other thing as I drove off. Feeling quite joyful/hopeful for someone who has been kind of depressed lately. I am feeling like with R I got so close to what I really wanted, which was inspiring, for sure.. and I am not sure that Ab will love me the same way or as well, but just being at least into each other as much as I'm sure we are is a good sign that I'm doing my part to be super, jump-for-joy happy someday. I don't want to just have a great & lasting relationship, like I could have with R., I want my heart to feel very excited when I think about my future with a person. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so. I've had a lot of failures to lead me here; it's TIME (or at least very close to it)! Good reasons that I have for preferring Ab even though it's a risk: - He doesn't just like and support my sexuality, he matches it (We both would like to be able to date others whenever but still share a life with someone). R. supported that in me, even thought it was sexy, but didn't really have the drive to do the same sort of thing, making our relationship a little lopsided. Albeit, safer (health-wise), but the times when it's harder on him to support me, I feel a little like he is going to just give up on me or leave me, deciding he doesn't get it, after all. Also, it seems more like a fetish than how Ab is.. He'd want his partner to have freedom because he wants freedom, too. Because he gets that life is full of wonderful surprises. With R, it feels like it makes him feel more desirable to have a partner that is desirable that chooses to be with him. Maybe this is nit-picky, but kinks just kind of turn me off sometimes. And this one has been big-time, lately. -Ab wears the best pants ever. I am in love with his style. He shops on EBAY so that he can be so f-in COOL. He has two pairs of awesome sweat pants, and when I innocently told R about them long ago, R bought some really ugly sweat pants and started wearing them around my family. Gross again. Boo. -Ab shares my dreams. We wanted to have a business together before we recognized our attraction (at least before we admit it). He is a risk-taker and a dreamer, like me. R is awesome because he wants to have a career to provide for a family, but the fact that I was inspiring him and it didn't come from within really stressed me out. Ab is healthier. I'm really into health myself. He doesn't sweat as much. I'm not sure I can do guys that sweat. I gave R a sage tincture to help him with it and asked him to experiment with it, but he was not even committed enough to not sweating so much OR helping me out with my experiments in herbalism (which are my passion) to take the damn tincture regularly. So we'll never know if he could sweat less on sage. Damn. -I have a really good nickname for Ab and it's why his name here is more than just a letter (It's A.b.-something that will remain anon). This is the most important thing. Like they always say, no good nickname means no love. Right? They say that, I think. 5:44 p.m. - 2014-01-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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