boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- no-trust-dust For some damn reason my therapeutic session today made me reflect on how i tried to control the Ab situation by attempting to eliminate triggers (him) instead of seeing the relationship as a growth opportunity. I was like, "PUH-lease don't encourage me!" to my mentor a few times. She wasn't saying I shouldn't have ended it but was wanting me to look at my triggers, sit with them, and see what they really mean. I had a lot of answers but she wasn't satisfied, and she's a little epic. UGH. Healing is tough work!! I usually operate under the "growth is good" and "love requires work" theories but I just couldn't do it this time (probably just not enough trust). I've been saying to myself "it does not really matter what excuses he has or what he is thinking or feeling, all that matters is that you are stressed out in your body and you are on a healing journey and this seems counter-productive." My past few loves have had to be the person that sometimes feels stressed and unhealthy because my love wasn't translating strong enough and I was busier than them, and I am just really really not good at being that person. I don't have the space to let someone else have a harder time than me. But it's all good.. I need to make space for something easy-breezy. Annnd the answer to my trigger thing just came to me. I had little faith in him to love or be there for me (perhaps reasonably so, based on the first flip-flop, but still) so I would get anxious and then whether or not he followed through was a bigger deal (freaked me out physically) than it would have been, normally. The reason I think this is the answer is because I've been living under an assumption that everything I touch turns to dust. I hope that's not the case.. self fulfilling yuckadoodle. 11:07 p.m. - 2014-02-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||