boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- having to face huge disappointements to something so biochemical and out of my control Sorry it's just the same person in here lately, writing so much about the same situation. Hopefully not too repetitive, and hopefully not only valuable for me (somehow). But really, it's been so healing for me to write about all this. I just had another counseling session today (with a different person) and wanted to record what I am taking away from that. She said it seems like I'm intuitive and know the answers to all of it. That made me cry for some reason. I think I didn't want the responsibility of navigating all these emotions. I also told her I have to be careful, though, not to FIGURE IT OUT (because I always tinker, and need to just let it be). Even though I am watching for any further spiritual calling to be with Ab (since I've felt a little torn into two after my last counseling), I cannot let it distract and consume me. I'm still resonating with the call to be there for myself, firstly. I have to practice letting go. She suggested meditating on his energy since I feel a little conflicted about whether or not I trust him as a friend/person.. that feels a little unresolved. I am not sure if he lied to me on multiple occasions, just little things, maybe not genuine. It still doesn't matter too much what is true because how I feel can come first, but I guess if it bothers me, I can try that. I guess my spirit just feels a little confused about if I can trust something that feels like it was pulling on my soul in good ways, while other evidence says maybe I was deceived all along. I can rightly say that he broke my trust in at least one aspect. I can decide what feels respectful to me or not in my friendships and relationships, as I continue to seek healthy ways of relating. And at the end of the day, this would be far less a big deal if this person wasn't in my very favorite grad school program that could ever exist for me, that consumes my life, just hovering over my shoulder at any given time. Making my heart pound. And other people getting to have these light, flirty, fun, consistent (appearing) relationships with him make me feel extremely jealous. We're talking I'VE NEVER FELT THIS TYPE OF JEALOUSY except when my musical soul-mate broke up our band (my favorite ever) and begin playing with EVERYONE in town. hahaha what the hell, jealousy? 4:28 p.m. - 2014-02-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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