boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- blah I feel weird bc I am not being so nice to this person that was my friend that dates Ab now but I feel like I have no choice bc I need them to stay the fuck away from me until I hurt less. Fuck. They come into class fucking late as shit and then sit right behind me bc their normal seats are taken and I know it doesn't matter to them but it's a big fucking distraction especially when there's a million other places to sit and they are so fucking teamed up that they can't just choose independent seats. I was feeling closer to letting things go and forgiving but just to see someone who projected this shit onto me about his ex like I'm abusive and crazy and codependent (without really knowing me all that well anyway. with being a complete shit to me and making judgements right away) be fucking up constantly late for class or missing class w his new gf getting high I just want to be like, "I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT HOW IRONIC IT IS THAT YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO STAY AWAY FROM ME TO AVOID GETTING LOST IN ANOTHER PERSON AND BEING CODEPENDENT." It sucks when someone thinks you remind them of a someone they call "crazy" because then you feel like you can't express your anger or you'll just get that projection further placed on you. And I don't think there's anything I can do to avoid the projection, but I do feel certain that would increase it. And that is pretty much the worst thing you can do to me. Treat me, not only like shit, but then also act like it's because I'm fucking crazy. Because I have been fucking crazy, but it had become more of a latent shadow, just chilling there in the grass and I try not to make it angry. And this, my friends, is why you don't sleep with your therapist (or your friend from school that you had to practice therapy with). Or maybe anyone you really care about if you don't fully trust them. Ack. Way too vulnerable. So anyway, the point of this is to just say, I feel weird about being cold to a woman. But since the above literally crazy thoughts are the thoughts that go through my head when I'm in class during finals week needing to concentrate, I can't afford to be nice to her. 10:44 p.m. - 2014-03-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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