boysordeath's Diaryland Diary

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PRETTY SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNING:

i'm waiting to hear from some cops about if nick is alive. this is the weirdest, hardest thing. his mom was maybe dying, we had a long convo, i thought he made it clear he didn't care about me, just her, then said something mean to me and i told him i couldn't get over that and be intimate with him anymore. maybe the worst thing i have ever done to tell someone that vulnerable that. i am so mad at myself and afraid. he texted me a lot about his death and justified it and i called the cops. he was texting me a lot for a long time then it cut off before the cops found him so i am freaking out.

UPDATE: got the call back, they said Nick was lying about his mom and didn't seem to be suicidal. JUST A SICK FUCK. I told him after many texts about how I would stick by him just don't die and after a long story he fabricated about his death and how i'd have his story (he was texting it to me) never to contact me again, that I didn't deserve that. Not sure what the hell happened that my sweet boyfriend turned out to be a lying sociopath but heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I don't know. It's confusing, maybe he will kill himself. He wasn't at the hospital where he said he was, the cops said she was there too, he said that they didn't see her just him and other family. I'm a little bit scared; i don't know what to trust or not though he did text me some afterward making it seem like his mom is indeed dying but who the hell knows. he has like brain damage and can't remember things and said he told me he left the hospital. i guess it doesn't matter. i can't really like snap back from a fabricated suicide. i could have just been like the least supportive, most horrible gf ever and made someone's life unbearable and maybe he wasn't meaning to lie or whatever but the suicide?

bad news: just had a really traumatic night and it's early in this relationship for this type of trauma but at the same time, he was scared shitless. i had reasons for being upset.. he just wants to hold me, i want to be a support for him. but i doubt i can get over all this shit. then he gets real warm again, calling me baby, telling me he loves me.. i am kinda scared. i'm scared if he's not safe, i'm scared to end it while he needs me, i'm scared that i'm a jerk and escalated the problem.

4:16 a.m. - 2014-05-02

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