boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- trying so i was feeling pretty triggered out by that suicide thing and then started blaming myself for stuff but i'm not there anymore. i processed, forgave myself for personal things that maybe weren't great in the relationship, and broke up with nick instead of seeing him the next day like he wanted to. over the weekend we were broken up. seemed like longer than it actually was. we're still broken up, in fact, but yesterday i decided i wanted to be his friend still, as he had been trying to get me to do. i made this decision not from a weak place, but a strong-ish one after i had been processing a lot. i feel good about it. i don't want to just live the way everyone thinks i should and not give this person i cared deeply about another chance, and give myself a chance, too. he's always so supportive of my healing processes, so just trying this thing where we're friends and play music like we really really wanted to. no expectations, just get the chance to enjoy each other like we wanted to without the focus on romance and sex. we'll see how it goes. i feel good, i feel strong. he didn't lie about the hospital.. i was actually kind of crazy, too, when i wrote that (hadn't looked back through the texts to see when he told me he had left the hospital yet). i had been in a bad space in the relationship where i wasn't asking for things i wanted/needed.. i would just kind of hope he would step up and see/hear me more and communicate better. now that we've processed he admits he was feeling like he would be abandoned due to a few things that were said/things that happened. legit enough things. i just have to be myself and who i am is a person that can't give up on another person when they are super fucking scared in the beginning of a relationship when a lot of other stressers are occuring because i've been there and it's the worst. i am too curious to not see what this person is really like a little bit more... if i end up wrong at least my expectations were low (i'm assuming we'll only be friends and i shouldn't trust him until proven otherwise).. good luck to me! 9:38 p.m. - 2014-05-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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