boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I JUST gotta write this somewhere. Intense day. Had therapy this morning. At that time and through all my (still) crying over Nick, I had a realization. The kind where you kind of know it all along but it comes back in this way that you are ready to SEE and sit with. So I am gonna just write this and love myself despite the painful turns I took in my life. So last year, maybe some of you remember how I got really pretty hurt and triggered out by this guy in my program. The thing that was so rough about that experience was that I was very attracted to him and had romantic ideals and he expressed similar things to what I was feeling--very intense--but then it was to the curb with me, the very next day. Kinda. In short. There was talk about TRANSFERENCE and me reminding him of his wife (he was going through a divorce), and all I had really known about her from him was that she was abusive and did not take care of herself at all. As a person with a pretty significant past of mental illness, continuing a process where I heal and redefine myself and not see myself as this person on the verge of freaking out and losing my shit, this was a harsh blow to that part of me. Not to mention, it was pretty unfair. I had no idea what I could have possibly have done that would have made him feel that way.. I had romantic times with him, wasn't able to sleep in his bed bc my back hurt (plus he was super unworried about helping me get off even though he did 2 X!!!), so I went home. It could have really all been on him, in fact, it really is. I guess the transference part really probably came more from the past than that night.. he had known a lot about all the darkness still in me because he was my partner in counseling class for allllll the processing. So that's where that comes from. I guess he got to see the darkest parts of me and of course that's going to remind him of this other person. BTW, maybe she's awesome. So then Nick. I cry over Nick. I cry over Nick because he was this person that I really, really loved, unconditionally, or at least I thought I did. And you'd think because I am so grateful that I am not still with him being stressed out by him, riding that roller coaster, that I would feel more recovered by now. But I know that my love for him was also this love that I gave to him because I really wanted that same kind of love sometimes when I was my darkest self. And I loved having my darkness loved, I needed my darkness to be loved, and that only came with someone who understood it. He'd stick by me even through all the worst in me that he brought out. I'd stick by him. Until we couldn't anymore. 9:26 p.m. - 2014-10-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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