boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- lonliness i feel totally vulnerable and kind of dumb about the many decisions i've made that probably look pretty ill-thought out. i am sick with some shit where i am getting a temperature and while this was coming on and making me feel emotionally unstable (also on my period and i am VERY sensitive) i ended my relationship despite all the work we put in and progress we made and how i was feeling closer to him. feeling closer meant i told me parents we were together again; doing that meant they flipped out thinking i was stupid, and that really got to me--my fears came up and as they did my guy could always sense it and ask me about it--but he is super bad at hearing any doubts i have, he gets overwhelmed. he had asked me not to process so many things at once with him because it makes him feel like i am going to leave him, but i did it anyway because i guess i feel like his questions demand transparency and also i'm just used to being with people that just take my processing better even though it can be brutal to hear. AT THE SAME TIME, I guess I tried making it pretty clear that it was not personal. then i got pissed that he didn't handle it like i wanted him to even though i knew he wouldn't. ugh. i'm honestly not even really done, not ready to quit. that wasn't how i wanted things to go. there's a part of me though that really wants to quit and another part that is fighting; i am split in two. i know this isn't fair to anyone so i am going to refocus on myself and keep going to al anon and I guess i'll have to also start checking myself with the obsessing that I am doing and refunnel that energy into finals and self care. it's hard to let go of for many reasons including how we fight for each other. sad times. maybe it'll work out. and then there's this wave of: do i even want that? see i am a hot mess, yuck. i feel really lonely because i am sick and my close friends are studying for finals like i should be, too. 5:11 p.m. - 2014-06-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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