boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- changes so, i had separated myself further from nick. i told him we could be friends after i finish un-attaching myself from him because i had been a little obsessive. i was feeling like i could do that. someone told me, "love is not meant to be a sacrifice," and that stuck with me as i forged onward into being solitary. i went to an al-anon meeting. i cried really hard there. i told nick that i went. nick had had started aa again because he had a bit of a run-in with justifying some drinking. the next day he decided that he was impressed by me doing this work for myself and feels maybe i can understand him. i said i had to wait and still do my own thing for a while. a few days later, it was my birthday. he texted me. i had told him maybe not come to the party bc i wanted to be doing that for myself, but then no one was on time, and he was saying he had a gift for me, and i told him to just come. we had sex that night, i liked it but it also kinda felt stressful. since then we have gone on a few dates that were amazing and had no sex and i just really like being with him, when all is said and done. he is a good person with a good heart and he is really trying with me. he wanted to have sex and so did i but he was in touch with his goals and his needs. he needs to not do that all the time because he wants to feel like if we are intimate and feeling close it's not because we've been having sex. tonight he said, "you're not used to that, are you?" and "i'm not either." etc. yesterday we went to barnes and noble and he made me laugh a lot and we were so happy together. we went to a movie, i fell asleep. we cuddled a lot during the movie--he tried keeping me warm. he kept checking on my tired level to see if i wanted to leave then finally told me to just sleep. tonight we had a good dinner--hamburgers that we grilled outside. then we studied together and then we listened to "suzanne" and discussed the symbolism and meaning. i am glad he gets me in touch with my artist. and fuck it, people have trauma and are far from perfect but sometimes people try really hard and just enjoy each other and that's all just as valid as not having probs. if there's a perpetual problem with my relationship, that's another story.. but what i see right now is someone working harder to make it healthy and grounded than anyone i've been with in the past. so hell yeah. 11:06 p.m. - 2014-05-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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