boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- admitting it Also about "playa taming" and "guiding someone to show up for me" kinda a thing... Since I have calmed the eff down, the guy I was referring to has since texted me that he misses me and hopes I am well and we have exchanged a few other neutral words. I know the way I was speaking before is an illusion, I can't guide anyone to love me, really, but I can just do my part to be awesome and well. I have thought about the patterns I have and what I CAN control within how we relate. I realized I would often abandon myself, objectify myself, give him all the power, be submissive. Then feel upset and angry that things were not more balanced, tell him to fuck off, try and get him back. Really awful habits. I know in part him not loving me as much as I wish he would triggers me out like that. But he is basically newly out of an intense relationship where the person was even less healthy than what I just described, so it is what it is. I can accept this "not loving me thing" for what it is--he just isn't there. Maybe he never will be, maybe he could be. Now is not the time. But he still holds on a little and I do too. I told him I know we didn't have trust between us. That's another main issue. Maybe it will be different sometime. Maybe not! In any case I feel good about how he must be somewhat forgiving and I must be too. And I feel good about the fact that I have recognized my bad patterns and that I called my insurance/healthcare place and told them I need more therapy and need dbt and need it now and they listened and I start Wednesday. So nothing is so black and white right now, things are a process, but either way I'm coming out stronger. 3:57 p.m. - 2015-03-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||