boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hip metal band I just reread some of this. I had to edit my name out of one entry. So often I look back at the past and feel pretty embarrassed. I grew up naive in so many ways; stayed that way for a long time. I am going to do some catch up writing..Things I'm not all proud of, but that I'm learning from. I had a relationship a few years back with a guy in a hip metal band. Well, the thing was, he had this line: "I'm not always like this [wasted]; I do really cool things too. I was in [this hip metal band], we played in front of thousands of people." And part of me thought he was such a dork, and part wanted to tell the friends back home, hey you know [hip metal band]? I am dating this guy that was in it." That sort of thing is fun, even though it's not what really matters. And not why I really dated him. Really he just filled in for that band, he wasn't like the real bass player. I had wanted to date a woman but this long-haired vain goof comes along and I'm told he's such a good guy and kinda like a girl anyway, and since I had great chemistry with him, I went for it. He told me he had alcohol dependency problems in the past but that he was keeping it under control. He wasn't. But I believed him, in my conscious mind. I think I used to enjoy telling friends about my crazy ventures with these impossible men. The thoughts that I could hear though, were just like, "whatever, it doesn't matter what he did or does" and "he is so nice and harmless". Until he blacked out and cheated on me. He was really sorry, I could see visibly that this mistake made him feel super ill (looking back: hangover). He wanted to keep dating, being monogamous. After my initial pissed reaction, I calmed down and forgave him. They didn't have full-on sex, is what I hear. We were careful to have safe sex so...ok. And then it happened again a month or so later, the night after maybe our best date (sad--that ended with me shuffling him out of the movie theater because he drank too much whiskey that I kept trying to keep watch on, to slow him down. What a date!) And after the second time, he broke up with me. And he didn't want to tell me who he cheated with. After a week or so, I finally convinced him it was unfair to leave me suspecting and hating so many innocent women in town. It was better for me to know. This all left me in such a dark place. To not only be sexually violated like that (yes, cheating is that), but to be rejected on top of it. And I felt stupid for how my heart just wanted to help with the alcohol problem, rather than get away from it. I was so angry talking to him about it all, about how I didn't really think that giving up was the solution. I guess I just wanted to keep having sex with him and having a fun time and just quit expecting him to be monogamous. He was the one into monogamy, anyway. And I felt that he owed me "being a good boyfriend", that because he messed up, he should make it right, not just leave. But I guess he was over wanting that with me. Maybe my really bad reaction didn't help when we talked about all this. I actually think it's fine to react poorly to such bullshit, but advise keeping the extreme images to a minimum, because it gets embarrassing. In this case, I almost knocked his coffee out of his hand, but stopped myself. Then, I ran away. Then, I ran back over to him to try and not have it end that dramatically. Ha. Hard to shake. I learned that I was codependent. I had a social worker helping me through my extreme depression and she pointed this out. A good friend got tired of hearing about my dude problems, we fought, and now we don't hang ever. I never thought I was codependent, because no one wants to admit to such a thing. And if you don't admit to it, you don't have to learn about it too much. But if you learn about it, you might be able to admit it. I think anyone who dates at all, ever, should read about codependency. But maybe everyone that reads boysordeath has done so. I've watched myself date a lot of "characters" that most would suspect narcissistic. Narcissists attract passive codependents. I needed to complete my identity with this other person. I guess, really, I see this as a sexism problem. I feel like I was raised, or brainwashed, by everything around me, that love mattered so much, and that it was important to keep a man happy, and that my role would be to support this man from the background. I don't think everyone I dated was a narcissist, but I do know my identity has shifted quite a few times due to who I was dating. I have trouble building community on my own, so it is easy for me to adopt my partners' friends. This year I've been single all year, and I try to focus on community and friendship. I am trying to see where I fit in and create what I really want. It gets to feel challenging. It gets lonely. It's not impossible. I guess it is harder with how busy I am in school, how much social anxiety I've had, and how I'm not really great at making plans with people. I get caught up in the stress of life. But I have made some really great friends, regardless. And I am starting to figure out who I really am. 11:21 a.m. - 2012-05-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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