boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I am going to write the first boysordeath entry that isn't hetero (to the best of my knowledge). Hope it treats you well. I hope if anyone else has experiences or thoughts, they can share, too. I had a roommate that I loved. I had lesbian anxiety, too. The type where it is just easier to date men..you already know how, you've had all this practice. It's not really risky anymore in a lot of ways. But women... a whole new dimension. What would sex be like? Gross, great, what? How can I face my insecurities when this other arena is so much easier and is also what my family wants to see? I made excuses not to pursue her. We had an intimate relationship without the physical part. She might have made reasons not to pursue me, and my guess is that I wasn't up to her standards in some way or another. For me, it was that she ate with her mouth open and was more critical/particular about other people than I was. I guess sometimes I thought snobby. She fell in love with this other lady we both had crushes on, initially. The one that moved up from PDX to hang with the two of us. They fell in love with each other. She moved in with us. I felt replaced. We had spent a year pretty insular, it was awkward having new friends let alone a new partner in the house. One night one of our new friends vented to me about my bf's drama-inducing-attitude. We talked about it, we were drunk and high. This particular new friend was kinda replacing me as best friend, it felt like, but as the older best friend, this new friend convinced me I should tell my friend all that was on my chest concerning her criticism. I went home and wrote a big letter about how I had romantic feelings for her but did not pursue her because of her attitude. I told her that I was glad she had a happy relationship but that it was hard living with them, because of my feelings. She was confused about why I would tell her about my feelings for her after she was happy. She was hurt by the things I said about her, saying it feels like I wrote her a letter about what I did not like about her. We talked a little, but nothing got better, and I may have talked to her again or something. And I moved out of the house. Anyway, she decided to move to another city to get a fresh start, and she didn't really plan on being my friend anymore. I miss her so much; I hurt for her. I would rather have a friend in another city that is a little dramatic and accept her for this than to not have her in my life. 10:50 p.m. - 2012-06-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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