boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Married. He got married. 5 months ago. He didn't tell me. He told my brother in passing. My brother had no idea I didn't know--mentioned it casually over the weekend. It's the not telling me part that I think hurts. Did it mean he was a bigger deal in my life and past than I actually was in his? Most likely. Or maybe he didn't know how to tell me. Maybe he thought it would be weird. Maybe it made him sad. Maybe he flat out didn't care. Maybe he thought I wouldn't care and didn't want to risk being presumptuous. But it didn't have to be a dramatic "I'm getting married" it could have been a friendly "I'm getting married." I'm also embarrassed (to no one but myself...but still), because I had been thinking about him a lot lately, missing him, wondering how he was, wishing to hear his voice. Wishing to be with him for real. My grandma once said she thought I sabotaged relationships and avoided new ones because I was still and always had been in love with him all these years. She was not entirely off. But since I don't even know if the idea of marriage even suits me, or if I am capable, or if I am brave enough, this double blows my mind that he did it, took the plunge, jumped right in, and got married to a girl with the same name as me. I have no proof whatsoever that we would be able to have a relationship or would even be good together now. Except that we would. Except that we picked up every time as best friends with years in between and never skipped a beat. The last time I kissed him romantically was 2003. The last time I wanted to was 2009 and I helped him move to Kansas city; kept him company for the drive. He let me sleep in his bed and he slept on the couch but I kept wishing he'd come lay down next to me, that we'd pick up where we left off. But he didn't. And the next time was 2010. But I didn't push it. Because I thought some day, it'd all fall back into place, after I had done my thing and he had done his. I guess it's the loss of the "someday" fantasy that I'm feeling grief about now. There was something secure about knowing he was out there, that'd I could pretend we'd continue to pick up where we left off every time until it was the right time. I've held back on everything all these years because he was in the back of my mind. 5:55 p.m. - 2012-11-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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