boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- first love feelings I liked that last entry. My first love has been on my mind, too. Just last night I was looking at pictures of his family on Facebook, thinking about how a big part of me wishes that I had these cute kids with them.. What would ours look like (I'm sure just as cute, but different). I'm sure this activity is inappropriate.. But I miss him in my life. We planned on being married and I was a part of his family, had never felt so accepted by my own family, even after I left the LDS church. I don't always think of it as a mistake. I just envy what I don't have (security, family of my own, a solid community) while I know I have something probably more important to my happiness; I have had the space to find myself. At the same time, I may have been able to manage both, there is no way to tell what really I have missed out on, because that story does not exist. I have been able to try a lot of things that I am not sure I would have had I stayed in my home town. Though I don't feel as accepted in many ways as folks at home would have, despite my being different, I have found communities that really share and practice my values. They have taught me things, and my school has changed my life. I have great role models, and others have shown me the darkness that exists in discrimination and lovelessness. I haven't experienced another relationship since this, my last involvement with this person was in 2003 or 2004, right before they became quikly engaged--so ready to settle down and have children right away. I currently have a better relationship for me, in many ways. I am with someone who shares my needs and passion for wellness, because they also have a disability. They share my beliefs a and many values, but still not concerning love (I am polyamorous, they are not). Also, there could be more passion between us. So my relationship is great in many ways, but will end sometime soon when I go to graduate school. It is really a trip to experience love but with an expiration date.. But it is good practice for me. I have usually been too unstable to be loved or too selfish to be loving. A good book that got me interested in practicing love is bell hooks's All About Love. I am still no expert. Sometimes I think that what I'm doing is bizarre. But when it comes down to it, I'm happy for now, and I'm learning and growing, so why not. I prefer what I have to the unknown. Sometimes I long for that destiny feeling that came with my first love, or with a friend that I love but who has never loved me back enough... (Why I think I feeling with them but them not with me, I guess just makes me feel kind of naive and sad..).. But I don't know that that feeling is everything. For example, right now, my relationship I feel is a big love--our connection is real and important. I hope to someday just find that feeling again, where I have no doubt about whether or not the person is for me, but have this grounded in reality and shared values. 11:27 a.m. - 2013-04-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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