boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Letting Go TW: sexual assault. Interesting looking back at this diary. At how I thought somehow I had messed up my relationship with Scott more than 50%. That's pretty sad/funny/mostly sad. What is sad about it is that I know that thoughts like that come from feeling like there is not an appropriate person in the world for me. Because I have been hurt a lot. And sometimes I manifest my fears that people cannot love me. Because I do push pretty hard for them to, and I try to explain to them how to be decent since I truly don't believe that anyone (at least not anyone I meet here in SD) is going to care for me. But it is sad looking back at that entry in May with the one in April about D. where I say, "Everyone is better than Scott" only to be really hurt by D, in a way that Scott would never hurt me. D. basically put a lot of pressure on me to do this kinky thing that I didn't want to do at a time where he had complete control. He threatened me. I lost my shit. It triggered all the other times I have been sexually assaulted. I tried going back to all the people that I could because I thought, "THIS is not fair. I am TIRED of being the only one who has to deal with the consequences of the pain that is inflicted on me when my boundaries are not respected." I wrote S.N., N.H, and talked to D (the one who triggered it). I couldn't get a hold of Emmanuel or whomever that male nurse was because I didn't plan on talking to male nurse again (he seemed like such a horrible, lost cause) and Emmanuel changed his number and deleted his OKC account. I asked people for money and for them to spread awareness about sexual consent and how important it is. N.H. told me I was crazy a few times until he stopped being so heavily on whatever drugs/alcohol then gave me a half apology. I didn't hear from S.N. and I don't know how much energy I have for that since he is the father of a child I care a lot about so I feel kind of like I don't care about the money. D. said that he would give me money for therapy but it seemed to have strings attached. I had to fight pretty badly to get him to recognize he should do it regardless of what I am to him, just to be a good person. And now I don't know if I have the drive to follow through, because he just annoys me so much. I don't trust him. He tries to be my friend and then goes on and on about how sex should be fun and drama free to me, as I am saying, "Yeah, it isn't always fun for me, unfortunately" (DUH, dude, stfu). So I went back to Scott, who had never assaulted me, because I am addicted to him and it is probably just easier to stay in my brain about how he is awful to me than it is to deal with all my trauma. But then I try dating other people in hopes that I will find someone better. I found someone better, but not perfect. But like really, really a lot better. And because he still had some things to work on and Scott was opening up to me (probably due to jealousy), I threw that one under the bus. Big time. I literally almost threw the man's bike across his apartment after he kicked me out the morning after I told him I wanted to still see and sleep with Scott. Whoops. The worst part of that is that I clearly knew that I needed to let go of Scott, I was ready, but he said, "Can I see you Saturday?" after several months of him never making plans with me. So I grabbed on to that with all my might. And when I finally saw him (last minute after a bad 4th of July date), I was shaking. It went horribly. He was drunk. He played a song called "Bitch don't kill my vibe" when I tried to talk to him about where we stood. He said it was a joke (Of course it is incredibly offensive anyway). I knew I shouldn't have been there and I told him that I didn't want to be with him. He said that he is the consistent one (Consistently worse?), that I put HIM on a roller coaster (my sentiment), and that I have a bad track record so obviously I'll be back (true about the first part, not the second). I texted him about how that night I felt triggered bc he was very needy (he was) and I was actually needing care but couldn't get it. I asked if there is a way I can get care when I need it, since texting really doesn't work. Just to really make sure there is no way. Pretty sure there is no way. And the thing is, I am feeling a little bit stronger and healthier somewhere deep inside of me. This chapter is over. I feel that Scott and I sat for most of the year in some gross purgatory and I am ready to move out of it and he can just stay in it if he wants. Fine. I'm out. 5:25 p.m. - 2015-07-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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