boysordeath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - The irony of this diary is now that the title is kinda.. well.. It's starting to feel like "boys are death" in my life. A man might be OK. Someday. Right now everything is out of control. This is all kind of humiliating and pathetic but I am going to go ahead and record it so that it is out there and not just in my mind. So maybe I can look at it and feel somewhat accountable to the changes I need to make. I went from being addicted to Scott to being more sort of in love with him. Connecting with him on a rare occasion. Still getting extremely triggered by him not valuing me. I also went back to the dude who's bike I almost threw. Over time, it became clear that he was never actually trying to date me, just wanted sex. That's why I was so frustrated that I was reaching that tipping point. He manipulated me. And I kind of knew it all along but I have always lived with emotional abuse and manipulation so I had a lot of good excuses and empathy for him. Eventually, I tried to have casual sex with him because that seemed easier and in some ways nicer than having a boyfriend. The sex was great. I had moved a few minutes away from him and we both decided it'd be great to have convenient sex, just cram it into our busy lives. However, a bad egg is a bad egg and he tried to bring me down and push me to the edge even when I wasn't seeking a relationship. I am not sure my neurologist knows how sick I am. We are trying to rehabilitate my brain and I make horrible choices and he sees this as some sort of benign risk taking that is necessary in love. I will have to let him know that I am actually quite lost in neglect and abuse. That I can know this and still sit here and think that it'd be great if I can break down Scott's walls. YIKES. Homeboy didn't even acknowledge me after we hooked up on my birthday. I went home that day a little high on the fact that I had expressed recently that I miss his lightness, and how he would flirt with me, that I felt I had kind of been too intense and maybe shut him down, emotionally, so that he was no longer that way and I said I was sorry. He has since then been a little more flirty again. When I left his house on my bday, he checked me out and said my name like he used to, making me feel sexy and desired. I felt a little high off of that, that and the fact that he has been listening to music that is similar to what I have liked over the years when we are not both listening to hip hop. This bball player party boy was straight up listening to Mirah. I went home and thought, fuck it, it's my birthday, I'm going to do what I want, which is to make a playlist for the person I love. I thought about how maybe I shouldn't send it bc he can never seem to handle my love, but then again, sometimes he responds well to it. So I listened to it and it was just so damn GOOD that I sent it. He didn't acknowledge it. I had left my wallet at his house when I was there, which I realized days later. I was trying to get it before leaving for out of town and his solution was to put it on his PORCH instead of texting me a normal time to come get it. He never acknowledged my sweet gesture, never told me happy birthday, and then that. I felt so neglected. I explained this and asked him to block me on facebook and told him I would delete him from my phone. He's like "OK, it's probably for the best.." and now I'm like, DUDE YOU THINK I NEED TO BE BLOCKED? Obviously I just slipped into some BPD kinda stuff bc you were such an asshole so maybe instead of blocking me, be somewhat accountable for how your actions effect other people. But I mean, the fact that he kinda makes me feel and act like I have BPD is not really working for anyone. Ayiyiyi I have basically just begged for him to call when he has the space to bc I feel like it is too hard for me to deal with all this shit, to be hurt and have that not acknowledged, even though it has happened before. :( This is insanity, actually. 5:12 p.m. - 2016-05-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||